


Octobers

by NettlesandVanilla



Series: House cleaning collection [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Also this is marked as gen but if you have shiping goggles feel free to use them, Angst, Gen, It's not going great here you have been warned, Suicidal Thoughts, Takes place sometime between Sirius' sentencing and Remus becoming a teacher, alcoholism?, maybe? - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-19
Updated: 2020-11-19
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:55:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27631691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NettlesandVanilla/pseuds/NettlesandVanilla
Summary: TW for suicidal thoughts, alcohol abuse and general unhealthiness. Stay safe kids.Remus is left behind after the first war.
Series: House cleaning collection [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2020306
Comments: 2
Kudos: 1





	Octobers

**Author's Note:**

> I always thought it was pretty impressive how Remus just got on with his life after everything, so here's some angst about dealing with the aftermath. Sorry.

Remus tries not to remember. Or to wonder. Really, these days he tries not to think too much. 

It’s easier during summers. Summers for him have always been for loneliness, and numbed restlessness simmering under the surface of everyday ease. 

The end of the year is harder. 

Septembers were happy times, the start of another school year. 

Happy memories, twisted into something so gruesome. Septembers leave him crying by a grave. Crying so hard, his entire body shakes, and he is going to have a headache the next day.  
Septembers pull him towards London, and he has to run the opposite direction just to stay put. 

Octobers are worse. Octobers are drunkenly yelling:  
”How could you!?”. 

Octobers are pain that won’t go away. And he has tries everything. 

But everything just reminds Remus of everything.

There are dull and numb days, when melting with the rain outside, and slowly dripping into a drain would feel like a relief. There’s a sudden stabbing pain of motorcycles or certain song or red hair in a crowd.  
Octobers leave him lying in a ditch, seeing stars in the middle of the day, and the stars remind Remus of him. 

Novembers are a routine, of numbing the pain, pressing the lid on things once more. Everything is gray, and gray and gray like the bridge he is standing on, and water underneath.  
He doesn’t know why he never jumps, in the end. 

Maybe it would take too much energy.

And somewhere deep inside it feels important, that someone remembers. Remembers the songs James liked, that Lily didn’t. Remembers where Peter’s hidden stash of sweets was.  
Remembers that it was Lily, not James, who managed to turn all the little pictures of snakes into real snakes during that one Quidditch game, because she had been that mad at Snape, and no other reason.  
It feels important to remember that Sirius had broken ribs and a cough of someone who had spent too much time cold at the start of their fifth year. 

But all this is deep down, and there is a whole decade of memories, and several years of pain pressed on top. 

November leaves him always hungover.


End file.
